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Saturday, September 20th, 2003
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All is fine, This is an alter Livejournal where I post if I feel the need, I haven't felt that... But thank you for the concern
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Comments: Add Your Own.
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Thursday, August 7th, 2003
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natalienothin
I have a code for you, where shall I send it
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Comments: Read 5 or Add Your Own.
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That feeling when you are so scared, your heart beating in your chest, breathing heavy... the scream. I felt that last night. For real, camping in the complete dark with no sound, and all of a sudden there is a ripple at the tent, scratching at the walls. I his under my sleeping bag. I am such a wimp.
It was alex's cat.
Felt so good though, to be scared like that, complete adrenaline. mmmmm I just sucked it all up while it wafted though the air. I wish there was more of it. I wish I had extreme feeling, maybe I need to start a chemical dependency, but that would be nothing but an addiction... I guess thats where it starts...
I want something, I just feel like I want something. Somthing that isn't mine, something that will get me into trouble. Something that will get my heart racing and my adrenaline pumping... But I ruined myself there is nothing hiddin in it anymore, nothing that I don't already know... That I haven't already felt, but then again maybe I should keep trying.
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Wednesday, June 18th, 2003
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I daydream into my memories because I find it as an escape to the happier places I used to be. I remember once I was told the song I reminded someone the most of was metallica's devils dance, happening upon this memory i read the lyrics and happened to chuckle at the comparison he was making, it was about this one sticky august night, he was from the prairie team and was ranked about 7th in the competition, we were 14th. my teammate was off with a skipper from the atlantic team and i found myself letting myself into this trailer,
i had spent a summer in that very trailer once and to find myself being under this cloud of secrecy was just giving my chills
my tank and boy cuts clung to my body, my bare feet were leaving an impression on the pavement and into the building
i remember crawling under the sheet and reaching my hand around the back of his head and pulled him in
oddly enough we had only spoken a few time over the week and i just had this odd compulsion to do it, i didn't know if he had a girlfriend back home, i cared nothing for him except this chemistry, it was unbelievable to just let myself into someone like that just left me breathless, i let myself out the same way i had come in, following my invisible footsteps all the way down to the tall grass by the harbor
when i think about how it must have been for him i have to laugh at the song, he made it sound like there was this evil vileness who was part of me
it was such a carefree summer, i have had some many with boys like him in every one
i just wonder how much of an impression i made, if they still think of me as much as i think of them, if they daydream to moments like those when they were happy
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i want to go walking in this pouring rain, drifting through the fog that is puddling on the ground
i want to lay on the wet grass and imagine its one million snakes under me, carrying me off to someplace that dosen't exhist to us
i was walking through puddles on my way home a few days ago, my wrap around headgear pumping some ours into my body, and it was just a sad site of how the world if so wet and grey and depressed, how everyone wants to take a knife to there pale white skin, and how we all need to wake up and pretend we're part of this prozac nation. I'm wondering how productive the would would be if we were all medicated, would the music still flow, would the blood stop
i was in the bathroom at work the other day and i wondered if someone committed suicide on one of the 6x4 stalls how long would it take to find them, would the ems have troble getting up the stairs, would there be a crowd outside the door... would they offer greef councelling
i just wonder how many of us live and die in out own head
i must go sketch now, something dark and engulfing like my mood
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I wish I had the resources to run away, By this I mean enough money to pay all my bills for a year and just go. Pack up a bag, write a good bye note and head out into the night. I think I would start the journey by illegally driving accross canada and the US, maybe to Mexico. Just sleeping in a hippe wagon. I think after that venture I would park the hippie wagon in montreal and set off for someplace over seas... just backpacking around, staying in hostels. I assume It would take me a good 8 months driving everywhere and spend the remaining 4 months overseas. I wouldn't call anyone I knew, tell anyone where I was going. Just saying I would be back. Send a postcard every 2 weeks to let them know that I was ok. I wish I could wake up and do that tomorrow. It would help so much. The isolation, being away from everything. Running away seems like the only option I have. But even that isn't truly an option. I am slowly running myself into the ground again. Why? because I don't want to be home. Because I don't want to be in this relationship, because I don't want to deal with drama... It's not because my friends are all single and having fun, it's not because I am making an excuse to be miserable. I just feel this betrayl radiating from everyone. Like they know something I don't. Like they are pointing and laughing because I am that Nieve.
I just wish I would go away or he would go away.
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bitterdeceit's journal